As I said last time, when I finally realized that the Lord was right (duh!) and that I was behaving like someone who didn't trust Him and His plan for me, I resolved myself to change and to turn it ALL over to Him, even our family size.
Now, this terrified me. You see, I completely understood that this meant we could end up with, six, ten, fifteen children! I was not cut out for that! I wasn't even a morning person, so being up with babies at night for many years to come, did not sound too appealing. In addition to that, we are not financially rich, we couldn't afford many more children. We didn't own a home, we lived in a smaller rental. The Devil was in all the details.
The Lord spoke again and what I heard Him say, was that, He knew what I could handle. That He had been preparing and refining me for my role as a mother, for the majority of my living years. (I had been secondary caregiver/babysitter to my siblings since I was about six years old.) Also, that His grace is sufficient for me and that His power is made perfect in my weakness! How refreshing!
In addition to that, I felt Him tell me that, giving full reproductive control to Him, did not necessarily mean that we would end up with many children, but rather, the exact number that He had planned for me before I was even born. I could/can barely wrap my head around this notion, but I gladly rested in it. Soon after all of this, our lives began to change.
We were living in a rented three bedroom home of about 1000 sq. ft. Within three months of my true submission to Him, my husband was given the means to purchase us a 1900 sq. ft. five bedroom, two bathroom home on just under an acre, and with a pool in the backyard for our children to enjoy! I have never lived in a home of my own! My family always lived in rented apartments. This was unreal to me. Having a home to call my own! What a blessing!
Within six weeks of moving into our new house, on May 30, 2012, we found out we were expecting! We were elated, but I was very cautious. We had experienced two miscarriages in three months. I immediately began praying and begging the Lord to allow us to meet this child on Earth. At six weeks, I went in and there was a very strong heartbeat! Still, I was unsure about telling our girls. I didn't want them to have to experience the heartbreak of losing yet another sibling. I prayed and asked God what we should do. Immediately, He said, "Share the good news of Me with others!" So we did!
Next appointment, the same healthy heartbeat! We were given the due date 2/10/13. By September, I was 19 weeks and felt only slightly comfortable announcing the pregnancy. My husband on the other hand, was totally comfortable. He has such child-like faith! I made it to the morning of February 3, 2013. We delivered a very healthy, super beautiful, baby BOY in our master bathroom! His gender was a surprise and if you remember from my first post on this subject, I had previously prayed for a baby boy. God is so good! Our new baby's name is Noah! His birth was so amazing I had to write a birth story!
So, I say all of that to say this, the Lord is Sovereign! He had a plan for me in my needing to be in control. He taught me to submit. In my belief that I needed to fit in with the world, He taught me that only He is the way. He had a plan for me in my half-hearted submission to Him, in my miscarriages, in my heartache. In everything, He had a plan for me! “plans to prosper *me* and not to harm *me*, plans to give *me* hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (emphasis mine)
I now accept and whole-heartedly believe, that the Lord's will is perfect. Not only perfect if it has a desirable outcome, but perfect even in the struggles. He will provide under all circumstances and as such, I'm certain He will provide for our family even if and/or when our quiver is fuller than I think I can handle.