Miscarriage and Conviction part 2

My last post left off with my being rebuked and convicted. You can find it here. What the Lord said to me was that I was playing God. We had used birth control after our twins were born. I decided I wanted to make sure my life looked exactly the way I wanted it to before I would have another child, if I decided I wanted another. 

I always said I wanted only one, maybe two, children. My husband on the other hand, wanted four, six, eight children! He often joked, that he wanted a basketball starting line up. Yeah, it turned out that was actually not a joke at all. That was his true desire. Five years after our twins, I compromised and decided okay, I had finished school, I could have another child. I stopped birth control and we became pregnant with Mandi. 

After Mandi, in August 2008, I got back on birth control because again, I wasn't sure that I wanted more. After all, the world says two is more than enough and three? Whoa! Overkill! I didn't know the scriptures then. Now I know that Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." This has become one of my life verses.

It wasn't that I didn't absolutely LOVE motherhood, because I did! The truth was, I cared about fitting in with the rest of the world. Surely, I would look like an irresponsible, idiot toting around any more than the three children that I already had. That was my secret though. I never told my husband that. 

We were not Christians, I didn't know at all how the Lord felt about children. He calls them blessings; a reward! "Children are a heritage form the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." Psalm 127: 3-5

Fast forward to February 2011, we had sought the Lord and were now "Christians". After moving to Georgia and life being so much easier and money going exponentially further here, I was examining life and decided I would hop on board with my husband and have another. I got off birth control in February. 

By now, I'm sure you see the pattern. I acted as if I controlled life. I believed it was at my fingertips, if and when I wanted it. Simple as that. Except, this time, it wasn't that simple at all! 

By July, I still was not pregnant and with two miscarriages in October 2011 and January 2012, I wasn't sure that I would even be able to have more children. My world was shaken. I was loosing hope, loosing faith. I was hurt, angry. I had to face the truth that I wasn't just angry about my situation, I was disappointed with the Lord. By now, I knew that life and death were in His hands and He wasn't allowing me to carry the life I so desperately wanted. It was His fault, I thought.

After much prayer and support from friends and family, I made it through that sifting, but only after the Lord rebuked me; told me that I do not control life and that I didn't completely trust Him and His plan for me, my life, my childrens' lives. But, I did trust Him! I turned my life over to Him. I asked Him to be my Savior. Wasn't that enough? No. How could I say I love and trust Him and His will, but withhold certain aspects of my life from Him? How could I be called a Christian? Easy. I couldn't. 

I did an about-face. This time, I would, in my heart, truly, turn it all over to Him. And then the blessings began to POUR in!