Friday, April 12, 2013

Gone for a long while. I was out getting convicted!

So, I have been gone for quite some time. Not on purpose though! I simply got caught up in life. So, here's what has happened in the past, dare I say, year.

We were really wanting to be blessed with another baby. After three girls, of course, you guessed it, we really wanted to be parents to a son. I prayed for a baby boy. I absolutely would have been happy with a healthy girl baby as well, but the Lord knew my heart, he knew I wanted a boy. 

In the beginning of October of 2011, we became pregnant. At 6 weeks I went in to my midwife and found that our baby had no heartbeat. Devastating. I was reassured that many, many women experience miscarriage and that it is much more common that we would like to believe. I turned to the Lord because I felt let down. 

By the end of October 2011, I was pregnant again. This time, my innocence was lost. I had experienced a miscarriage, I would never be the same. I was cautious because I felt great. The only time I felt great in the beginning of pregnancy was when I miscarried. I was convinced, the baby would not live here on Earth. 

The beginning of December 2011, I went in, this time I was 5 weeks. The heart beat was slow. I just knew. It was over. My midwife told me there was a 50/50 chance it would survive. 50% chance?? That was NOT reassuring! I was heartbroken. I could not understand why this was happening. Why? I wanted a baby. We are good parents. By all accounts, we love our children. Why was the Lord not entrusting us with another?

He gave me the Word, very clearly, very sharply, very convictingly. He said that I thought I was in control of life. I tried to play God. Ouch! Why did He tell me this? Next post. ;-)

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